I grew up in the slate mining village of Cwm Penmachno in Conwy, North Wales. I had five brothers, four of whom were younger than me. I used to babysit my younger brothers, until I discovered I could babysit for other families and be paid. My parents arranged for a friend from their church to babysit my younger brothers. He ended up sexually abusing them. I never forgave herself for what happened.
I used various drugs regularly as a teenager. They took away all my insecurities and stopped me worrying about what was wrong in the world. I had my son (Cameron) when I was 19 and then became a daily amphetamine user. I started drinking heavily. My older brother died from a heron overdose when I was 25. I started using heroin a year later, but stopped using all drugs when pregnant with Crystal. However, I had a full-blown heroin addiction two and a half years later. I was numb to the world, although I loved my children.
By the age of 31, I was a completely broken person and possessed no self-worth at all. I carried around enormous feelings of guilt and shame about my younger brothers. They were badly damaged. I started a new relationship and he started to control my life. I didn’t mind at first. However, he made me pick up packages of drugs for him and became violent towards me. It was sustained violence for a long period.
Social services took my children away. I was now seriously coerced and controlled, forced into working with various drug dealers. I was eventually beaten very badly by my partner, but finally managed to escape. When I was in hospital having my serious injuries attended to, I told the doctor I wanted to get clean. He told me it would take three months to see a substance misuse service (SMS) and advised me to go cold turkey.
I went to live with my parents. The cold turkey was horrific. I craved heroin intensely and experienced overwhelming emotions. I saw a SMS after three months and they arranged for me to move into Penrhyn House. I was suffering PTSD, with intense anxiety and panic attacks. I then learnt a younger brother had died of a heroin overdose.
I attended all groups and meetings over the following months, but the only way I could control my anxiety was to drink smuggled in alcohol. After nine months, all members of the house met and decided I had to leave as a resident because of my drinking, but I could visit Penrhyn during the day.
I knew I had to completely surrender. I attended Penrhyn House every day from 07.00 to 23.00, and was involved in all elements of the recovery programme and ongoing activities. Everyone was really kind to me; I knew they cared about me. I didn’t know who I was, but James Deakin told me I could be whoever I wanted to be.
I liked SMART Recovery because I could discuss my problems within a group setting and people would give me feedback. I gradually learnt to deal with the shame and guilt I had experienced for many years. The sharing of our stories played an important role in this regard. Gaining a sense of belonging played a major role in the early stages of my recovery journey. A real game changer for me was the NA programme and the Step work I’ve done. Making my amends to members of my family was very important to me.
I now help out with NA meetings, sponsor five other women, and I am SMART Recovery facilitator. I help women who have experienced domestic abuse. I’m in my first ever decent, grown-up, loving relationship. I have been united with my children and the rest of my family. Life has been tough, but now is truly wonderful.