I spent my childhood in Bury, from the age of three or four, going through phases of binging, purging, dieting, starving myself, and over-exercising. When I was ten, I discovered online communities for people with eating disorders and immersed myself in that world for a number of years. I also self-harmed in my childhood, cutting myself.
I had my first drink of alcohol when I was eight years old and started to drink regularly when I was 13. I started attending raves and taking ecstasy when I was 17. I was socially awkward and felt like an outsider. I tried to fit in, but was nervous and anxious. Drugs and alcohol took those feelings away.
My drinking escalated after I left university; I felt a terrible loss of direction and purpose. I worked night shifts in a casino, and then in a number of pubs where I would pour myself drinks whilst serving someone. I found a purpose when I started a Masters course in Linguistics at Bangor University. My drinking slowed down. However, it accelerated again and I later deferred from my university course. I worked in sales, directionless again, taking alcohol to work and using drugs with my boyfriend to all hours. That relationship then ended.
I later moved in with a new boyfriend, Liam, and lived in a small community on a farm. I was placed on furlough from my job during Covid, and initially life was bliss. However, my drinking accelerated badly and I was hiding drinks. My drunkenness and self-harming increased, my mental health deteriorated, and I became more and more destructive. I purposefully hurt myself when drunk and woke up in hospital. I still don’t know what happened.
Liam eventually told me that he needed to set some boundaries, as my behaviour had badly affected his health and job. I was not allowed to return to the house. I was 27, living in a homeless hostel when I tried to kill myself with prescription drugs and drink. Thankfully, I failed.
I became a resident at Penrhyn House in November 2020. Things slowly started to change. I was making friends and becoming interested in, and inspired by, people’s stories. I was enjoying the group sessions and being with people on their recovery journey.
The most significant change occurred when I was doing Steps Four (making a searching moral inventory of myself) and Five (admitting to others the nature of my wrongs) of CA. These Steps made me really deeply reflect on myself. My process of change was a very gradual thing, and it almost happened without me noticing. I was having fun with people and they gave me hope.
However, I was losing a lot of weight. I started working with a dietician who never focused on my actual eating behaviour, which I learnt was a symptom of a deeper problem. They empowered me to explore my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and eventually change my mindset. I realised that I didn’t need my maladaptive tools. Our sessions had a massive impact on my psychological wellbeing. Liam supported me during the time I was in Penrhyn and eventually I moved in with him in a new house he had bought.
I got a job as a support worker at a rehab in Liverpool. In July 2023, Liam and I had our little boy, Osian. I then started work as a lived experience researcher with Wulf and Andy Perkins of Future 8 Consultancy in Scotland. In 2024, I ran my first marathon, in Chester. In 2025, I became a Trustee of the NWRC charity. In my earlier years, I think one of my problems was striving for something that was probably unachievable—a constant thrill, excitement, and elation in life. Now I ‘strive’ for contentment. It’s a joy to feel contented.
Photograph: Sophie (right) is with her good friend Alex Magson, who inspired her at NWRC.