I loved the conversations I had with Marc Yates for my new book Transforming Pain Into Power: The Story of North Wales Recovery Communities (NRWC). Marc, who is one of the longest-standing members of staff at Penrhyn House—the residential part of NWRC—gave me some important insights into the recovery process. He originally came to NWRC for help and was a resident at Penrhyn. Here is a section of his chapter for the book. Thanks, Marc, for our great conversations. Can’t wait to see you again.
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When I came to Penrhyn, I had a mindset that the world owed me something because of all the ‘shit’ I had been through during my life. However, I came to realise that the people who had thrown the ‘shit’ at me hadn’t made me use drugs. I had done that. I had to come to terms with the fact that whilst bad things had previously happened to me, I could not spend the rest of my life carrying around a chip on my shoulder, and tarnishing everyone around me with the same brush. The only person I was really hurting in this situation was myself. I had to learn to let go. Otherwise, I would continue to walk around as a damaged, broken person… that would remain my identity.
I’ve been running MOIMR sessions at Penrhyn House for over nine years now, during which time I’ve interacted with many residents and members of the local community. Many people arrive at Penrhyn damaged and broken, and needing to let go of their past, but they don’t know that they’ve got to learn to do that if they are going to change. They need to discover who they are without the pain, the hurt, and the damage. They need to find meaning in something else. They must find a new identity.
I remember hearing the phrase, ‘When the penny drops’, but I never really understood what it meant, until ‘the penny dropped’. And I think until you reach that moment when you properly understand that you have changed—the penny has dropped—the recovery journey can be quite a struggle. Initially, it’s an everyday dedication. It’s a series of deliberate, conscious decisions to do what you know you need to do, or what you’ve been told you need to do, to progress on your journey and find recovery. You keep thinking about what to do, step-by-step. And then the ‘penny drops.’
You find yourself doing the right things without thinking about them. It’s the point where recovery becomes easier, because of everything that you’ve done before. A phrase I use is: ‘Recovery is complicatedly easy, because it’s as complicated as you make it.’
Sometimes, people in Penrhyn come up to me with what in their own mind is a complicated problem, even though it is not complicated. They are trying to solve something which is quite simple, but they have wrapped it up with so much other baggage from their past. If you cut to the core of the problem and suggest a solution, the person may respond by saying, ‘That won’t work.’ If you insist that they try what you are suggesting and they do so with a positive result, they suddenly realise that the solution was much easier than what they envisaged. They start to believe more in the process.
They are more willing to ask you more questions, and more willing to follow the next suggestion. Finally, they believe… and don’t need to keep asking questions.
Another thing I have learnt, and I say this a lot in our therapeutic groups, is perspective is a beautiful thing. When you first come into recovery, your perspective of self—and of people and the world around you—is obviously influenced by your past. However, this perspective changes the further you get away from who you once were and what you have experienced, and closer to who you want to be and what you would like to experience. The way you relate to your past history also changes.
Today, I can generally talk about my abusive past with a lot less emotion attached to it than previously, which results in me being better able to let go of my bad past. My perspective on my past history has changed because I feel well now. And with that happening, I deal with matters more effectively, and the whole thing becomes self-reinforcing. My self-esteem, confidence, and self-belief are enhanced by doing the next right thing. This slowly chips away at the ‘shittiness’ of what I believed to be true of my past, and I feel very much better. And I know I’m not a ‘shit’ person.