Lee Daly had a serious drug problem for over 25 years. By 2020, he ‘was taking so many drugs—diazepam, Xanax, pregablin, and ketamine, in addition to my heroin and crack—as all I wanted was total oblivion. I was even doing snowballs (heroin and crack) with ketamine.’ He was then given the opportunity to attend Hafan Wen detoxification centre in Wrexham. And then, as written in his Recovery Story in my book Transforming Pain Into Power: The Story of North Wales Recovery Communities (NWRC).
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‘On 27 October 2022, my 48th birthday, Donna arrived at Hafan Wen to take me for a visit to Penrhyn House [the residential part of NWRC] in Bangor. I was filled with fear going into an unknown world. The first person I met as I went through the front door at Penrhyn was Saffron (Saff) Roberts, who was working there at the time. I informed Saff that I couldn’t talk as I was too anxious. She told me that she understood, as she knew all my emotions would be coming back. I started to tell her some of my story, and then she told me a bit about hers. That was the very first time I had heard such a story.
I thought: ‘Hang on a minute, she used to be just like me. Look at the smile on her face, and the way she’s carrying herself and talking. Maybe these people do really exist. People who come through the hardest of lives and incredible pain, and then go on to work at a place like this.’ That was the first time that I saw what I now know is the transformation of pain into power. Her power, in this instance, was to show me that recovery was possible! So, I thought, ‘Maybe I can do this recovery?’ However, I was still filled with fear.
I was due to leave Hafan Wen on the third of November, but there were no rooms available at Penrhyn House at the time. I was still on monthly injections of Buvidal. The original idea was for me to move back to my old area, but I knew that wouldn’t work as I’d have been straight back to using and drinking. Donna, and Jordan of Housing First, suggested that funding be provided for me to stay at the Travelodge in Bangor, which was located just over two miles away from Penrhyn House. I would then be able to engage in all the activities there as a non-resident until a room became available.
7. Penrhyn House
A couple of days after I left Hafan Wen, I saw a guy outside the Travelodge drinking some beer. I thought that no one would know if I joined him in drinking a beer. We went to his room and I drank about five beers. He suggested that we go and buy some crack or other drugs. I replied: ‘I can’t go back down that road. I can’t go back to where I was. I am done. I surrender. I give up. I can’t do it anymore.’ I left his room.
The next morning I told Kevin, the House Manager at Penrhyn House, that I had picked up a drink the night before. I apologised and said, ‘But that’s it, I’m done. I want this recovery now!’ Kevin told me to go into the group and be honest with its members. And that is what I did. I told them what had happened, and said that I knew where this would take me if I continued in such ways.
I continued to attend Penrhyn House and engaged in all the activities until the 23rd of November, when I was informed I could move in as a resident. What I hadn’t known at the time, was that Donna had been calling Kevin three times a day to ensure I became a resident at the earliest opportunity. I am so grateful for all her help. She is no longer an SMS worker, but works in a hospital. It gives me such a good feeling that she calls me from time to time for advice.
I was terrified when I moved into Penrhyn House. I had such low self-esteem and all my insecurities surfaced. I arrived with all my possessions in one holdall bag, which I didn’t unpack for two weeks. I was still unsure whether this recovery thing was what I wanted. However, I slowly convinced myself that I should try, and if it didn’t work then I would go out and kill myself. And I would make sure that worked this time. Being able to talk to people like Saff and Tony Gizzi, who had been to the same depths as me during their addictions, played a significant role in helping me get through those early days.
I felt really uncomfortable without drugs—except my prescription Buvidal—and alcohol in my system. My thoughts and feelings kept flooding my brain, and I just didn’t know what to do with them. I also had trouble picking up on other people’s emotions. But I had told myself I would give it a go, and so I did. NWRC has a simple philosophy, in that you have to engage in all activities, including attending the different recovery groups, for the first three months that you are in the house. I was going to be all in! I also did essential housekeeping things, like cleaning and cooking, and offered to help others who were on kitchen duty.
I started telling myself that I shouldn’t be afraid of doing new things. I needed to try them and if I didn’t like them, then that was fine. There is an expression, ‘contempt before investigation’, and I had been acting like that almost all of my life. I told myself that I wouldn’t like something, even when I knew nothing about it. The truth of the matter was that I had no idea of who I was. I used to know what I liked as a kid, but I’d lost that ability and knew nothing now. I did think I knew everything about addiction, but realised that I knew nothing about recovery. It was a good starting point: ‘I know nothing!’ Other people needed to show me how to live, as I didn’t know how to do that.
I discovered the beauty of nature during the NWRC walks. Getting out in nature was something that I had never thought about doing when I was using. Now I found that the walks calmed my mind and stopped me overthinking things. I just loved walking in nature. The mountains that we have on our doorstep are so beautiful. There, I found peace for the first time ever.
By now, I was saying, ‘This is where I am meant to be and this is what I want to be doing.’ Earlier in this story, I described how I was deeply affected by hospital staff who treated me so much compassion and kindness, despite the fact of what I was and what I had done to myself. I now wanted to meet more people with such good qualities and draw those qualities into myself.
I was engaged in the different recovery groups, but was still finding it difficult to speak. However, being in the Penrhyn House Christmas play helped me to deal with that issue. When I was young, I would tell Kathy that I wanted to try amateur dramatics, but I never had the courage to do so. Now, I dived straight in and was busy rehearsing my part in the play. I was scared witless when the big night came, as I had to perform in front of 40 people in the classroom. But I really enjoyed it! This was further notification to me of the fact that if you try new things, you may very well like them.
So I tried cold water swimming and although it was uncomfortable at first, I enjoyed it. Now, I feel at peace whenever I am in water. The cold water swims quieten my mind. I was soon doing yoga, guided meditations, and gong (sound) baths. I also discovered I was a lot more spiritual than I ever thought I was. And I was even praying.
After a while, I began to realise that all I was doing with NWRC was about connection. This connection took various forms: connection to other people, to nature, to the community’s ‘culture’, and to myself.’
Lee is now a great mate and I can’t wait to see him in mid-September.